I’ve always had a good relationship with my lady parts. We’ve been acquainted since I was in diapers and they’ve been incredibly easy going, versatile and accommodating over the years. While I’ve worried about certain specifics of my appearance, the visuals of my vagina never concerned me…until I found myself an unwitting participant in a conversation of the vaginal kind.
My friend was weighing the pros and cons of his relationship. The girl was great, but the sex not so passionate. Listening to him speak, I thought all signs indicated “EXIT,” but then he decided he must stay with her for one simple reason: she had an innie vagina…and those were hard to find.
“I can’t be with a girl who has an outie vagina. It’s disgusting. Her vagina has been pumped so many times her lips hang out,” he spewed. “You could put Kate Upton in my bed, but if she has an outie, I don’t want to go anywhere near it.”
I was dangerously close to falling off my barstool. “Um…what do you mean an outie vagina? What’s that?”
“Where the lips hang out,” he clarified.
“The lips hang out of what?” I asked.
“The inner lips…they hang out of the outer part of the vagina. Imagine a taco…”
He had to show me pictures on his phone before I understood the difference.
Needless to say my vagina and I got cozy that night. I spent a good hour in front of my full-length mirror spread eagle, trying to figure out if I had an innie, an outie or a combination of both. I flipped my legs in all different directions to see the effect, stood up, jumped around, shook everything out—half expecting my lady parts to drop down to my knees, if not now, then after a few more years of rockin’ good sex. And then I thought,
“Fuck that shit. I have enough to worry about. Like how to keep my boobs from becoming pancakes.”
The Truth About the Vagina
Truth #1: Women Only Become Self-conscious of their Va-jay-jays because Some Man is an Ignoramus
Sure, we obsess about silly things…I have a friend who obsesses over the size of her calves and she thought that up all on her own…but a woman will never think to look at her vagina and question whether it is an innie or an outie—or how “pretty” it is—until someone else gives her the idea to do so.
This doesn’t even need to come as a direct hit. She could be hanging out with her girlfriend who gushes about the new guy in her life: “He said I have the best vagina because it’s an outie and so it’s easy to make me cum!”
Poor girl then goes home and examines her vagina—because it’s the first she’s heard of innies and outies—and discovers she has an innie, which plays into her insecurities and makes achieving orgasm that much more difficult!
Truth #2: Women Don’t Look at other Women’s Hoo-has
How could I go so many years not realizing there were two different “types” of vaginas? I am NOT in the minority. This is something the majority of women have to have pointed out to them at some point in life…hopefully way late in life when they are experienced enough and sensible enough to know it ain’t no big thang.
Women don’t stand around in urinals with their vulvas hanging out like men do with their penises. We don’t really get a good view if you know what I mean…nor do we care to. We don’t instinctively measure our self worth by the size and look of our love tacos. That’s a penile disease we’ve unfortunately contracted.
Anatomy Sidebar: Vulva incidentally is the correct term to use when talking about innies and outies. The vagina is INSIDE the body while the vulva refers to the external genitalia.
As for porn, those are some airbrushed innies you’re loving on. When a woman is looking at naked photos of other women, she’s probably focused on their hair and makeup …at most she’ll admire the boobs. And if the vagina is noticed, it’s to check out the wax job.
Truth #3: Vaginas Are Shaped at Puberty
Kim Kardashian reputedly has an innie…and we know she’s had her share of hot dogs in that bun. Apparently, so do some porn stars. We don’t have to rest on empirical evidence to prove that innie vaginas are no sign of virginity. Here’s an irrefutable scientific fact:
Vaginal changes—including the designation of an innie versus an outtie vagina—occur when a female goes through puberty.
An outie vagina is not a sign that you have had too much sex. It’s merely a sign that you are a complete woman. As to how many women have an outie and how many have an innie—statistically, we’ve got a 50/50 split. That split, however, is tilting toward innie as more and more women feel ashamed of their beautiful, finger-lickin’ good outies.
Labiaplasty (aka, Femal Genital Mutilation)
According to the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery, there were 53,332 vaginal rejuvenations performed in the United States in 2009…and every year that number grows. The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynocologists has spoken out against vaginal cosmetic surgeries, the safety of which has been called into question. Not only is there the risk of scarring and infection, but you’re also pretty much guaranteed reduced sensitivity and sensation. Especially with the “Barbie” procedure of labiaplasty, which cuts off the lips of the vulva entirely so that you are left with no sign of external genitalia…just a Barbie-like slit. Seriously? You want to look like Barbie? Because she also doesn’t have any nips.
Labiaplasty is reminiscent of Female Genital Mutilation in which the clit is also removed. While not as drastic, some labiaplasty procedures do shave off part of the clitoral hood.
We’ve been fighting long and hard against horrific female circumcision, and here we’ve turned a version of it into a plastic surgery operation almost as coveted as the boob job. We are allowing men to cut and cauterize the most delicious parts of our bodies all in the quest for designer vaginas. This breaks my heart.
Jewel it Up
Vajazzling blows my mind. Unless you’re in a lesbian relationship I just don’t see the point. Men don’t notice your new haircut or your mani/pedi until you train them to…they sure as hell don’t care if your vagina sparkles. They’ll tell you it looks nice because they know you want them to, but gluing some crystals to your punani isn’t going to rev their engines. You and your juicy tunnel of love are beautiful without any ornamentation. Save your money and get a massage instead.
So…do I have an innie or an outie? Hmmm…let’s wait until I get to know you better, and then maybe I’ll show you…