I’m finally getting my pubes lasered. My whole body actually. And it’s brought up a predicament. Do I laser off all my hair, Brazilian style, and go with nubes (no pubes)…or do I keep a landing strip but eventually, say when I’m 70, have to deal with grubes (gray pubes)? I don’t take this decision lightly.
So, I ask those nearest and dearest to me. Starting with my boyfriend. (Well…my ex-boyfriend now, but that’s a heartbreaking story for another day.)
“Please PROMISE ME you won’t get all your hair removed,” he says.
“Are you addicted to my 70s bush?” I ask.
“Hey, I love your bush, full or trimmed. But if you take off all the hair, it looks prepubescent. Then it’s like I’m having sex with a 12-year-old. That creeps me out.”
I get that. I totally do. But then there’s this…
“What happens when my pubic hair starts turning gray? When I’m 70 would you rather see no hair or gray hair down there?”
He thinks he has a solution: “Well just laser off the gray when you’re 70.”
“That’s just it!” I say. “The laser can’t pick up gray hair. So once the gray starts showing up down there, we’re fucked. We have to decide now…grubes or nubes?”
We go round and round, and god love him for really giving my pubes the consideration they deserve. We both come to the conclusion that grubes would probably be better.
He explains. “I feel like if by the time you’re 70 and I’m nearly 80, your pubes interest me at all, that’ll be a good thing, and the gray won’t matter.”
I feel comfortable with that decision, but want to run it by my girlfriends.
“What do you mean gray pubic hair? Pubic hair doesn’t turn gray!”
I am flabbergasted. They hadn’t gotten the memo that pubic hair turns gray. They resist this notion, even when I send them links to several different articles on the internet that explain how pubic hair turns gray. The denial is potent.
“Gray pubes don’t run in my family,” one friend insists.
“My mom is in her 70s and she doesn’t have gray pubes,” the other says.
“Really? I’ve never seen my mom’s pubes. How do you know what color your mom’s pubes are?” I ask twice, and the question is ignored both times.
So I turn to the internet. Pubic hair trends 2017.
I honestly don’t get that far in my research, because apparently how you wear your pubic hair determines the degree to which you are a feminist. Should you choose to go Brazilian with no hair then you’re not a real feminist—you’re just trying to measure up to a stupid standard set by the porn industry. Shame on you!
And if you go full bush you are standing strong in your feminist power by stating, “I am proud of my pubic hair. It represents me and my womanhood.”
I call nonsense. To each her own. Wear your pubic hair how you like, but don’t turn your pubes into a statement. Do what’s comfortable for you.
So I take a moment to check in with myself. Do I want to keep a patch of pubes to grow old with, or do I want to be smooth all over for the rest of my days?
“I want to keep a patch,” I say to the esthetician. I outline the shape I want it to take. We are in agreement.
She starts with my arms, and travels down my torso, and gets to my bikini line and then…wait a second… did she just…
“Um. Did you just run the laser thingy over my entire pubic mound?”
“Oh shit. Yeah, I’m so sorry. I forgot,” she says.
Well fuck me. Looks like the fate of my pubes weren’t ever really in my hands after all.